Over the next few days, the burn scabbed over and was really unsightly. I just left it alone. I had a couple of people grab my hand to have a look and said “Oh wow. Doesn’t that hurt?.” Again, I brushed it off. I was tough. I mean, it was just a burn.

A few days ago, I realized it wasn’t healing properly so I went and applied some antiseptic and a band-aid. Low and behold, it’s beginning to heal. I might end up with a scar. At this point, it’s hard to tell. I’m just pleased that the darkness of the scab has subsided and the injury is starting to itch, telling me that it’s healing.

I was walking down the hall today and I looked down at my hand. I was suddenly struck by the thought of how incredible the human body is. It can heal itself if the proper attention is applied.

Within another 10 steps, I realized that our heart is part of that very human body that heals itself.

I paused to consider the bruises and scars that are on my heart.

I love with vigor. Be it loving friends, family or a significant other. In the beginning, it’s almost as if I am going into battle. Like a warrior, nothing will stop me from penetrating another’s heart and conquering it.

Looking back on my loves ( all of them, friends and family included) I can see how the “battle” continues long after the conquest and with it comes challenges, which I’ll call stab wounds.  These stab wounds disguise themselves as lies, betrayal, loss of trust, small hurts, jealousy, competition, insecurity and, sometimes, rejection.

Let me say this; not all relationships leave me bruised and battered. And even the ones that wound me are well worth the effort.

I’ve noticed, in the last 18 months or so, however, that I’ve been withdrawing my “troops” and backing off from the battlefield. This is because my heart has been injured. It’s been scarred, burned, stabbed, whipped, and even torn from my chest cavity.

It’s a horrible feeling to become someone that you don’t recognize anymore. It’s a horrible feeling to hold back love and generosity and to approach every new relationship with trepidation or indifference.

It’s a horrible feeling to not feel.

As I was considering all of this, the elevator door opened. I walked in and pressed “Parking”. Before I got to my destination, I had a very important realization.

To survive in life, we need to eat. Just because I burned my hand doesn’t mean that I will stop preparing food for myself. I don’t have a choice – in order to survive, I must eat. In order to eat, I must cook.

The same can be said for love. In order to survive in life, we need love. We need love from our family (blood or chosen), our friends, and our lovers.

I don’t have a choice. In order to survive, I must love.

In order to love, I must bandage my heart and head back out on the battlefield.

"Scars are natures way of reminding you that whatever tried to harm you was unsuccessful. Wear your "scars of battle" with pride because they mean you came out victorious." ~ Taken from a friends' facebook wall

Our seats are in section 204, about a third of the way up. We get Kipper’s glove hand for 2 periods a game. Beer is right behind our seats, and a concession stand is within stumbling distance.

We ask that you respect our seats and the people who surround them.  (No jackassery, please)

All tickets will be emailed to you once you have emailed me the money for them. An exception for the 4 Vancouver tickets as they are in available in hard form only. We’ll have to meet and share a beer before making the exchange

October Games

October 18th – Edmonton – 2 Tickets available $180 for the pair

October 26 – Colorado – 2 Tickets available $150 for the pair

November Games

November 1 – Vancouver -4 Tickets available $400 for the set, or $100 each.

November 8 – Minnesota -2 Tickets available $150 for the pair

November 29 – Nashville -2 Tickets available $150 for the pair

December Games

December 1- Columbus – 2 Tickets available $150 for the pair

December 6-Carolina – 2 Tickets available $150 for the pair

*Any tickets purchased above the posted ticket price will receive a special gift*

That’s because I absolutely suck at golf.

My story is that I suck at golf because I don’t like it.

The truth is I don’t like golf because I suck at it.

So, what’s the point of me telling you this? Well, I had an epiphany this morning at 8:00 a.m. I had been up since 5:40 and had already had a crushing work out with my amazing personal trainer/coach. There aren’t many people awake to email, tweet or facebook with at that time of the day, so I was subject to my own company and my own thoughts.

I had some really profound thoughts. I wish I could remember them. I can’t though, because the big one was this:

IF I’M NOT GOING TO WIN, I WON’T PLAY.

Big deal, right?

Wrong.

This is one of the themes of my life. A big one.

Here’s how it played out this morning:

We were running a circuit of push-ups, sprints and leg circles in succession. In each effort, I was was to beat my last time. This gets increasingly difficult to do after each circuit.

My first time was 1:20. My second was 1:18. By the time I got to the third attempt, I had already decided I wasn’t going to get any faster, so on my way back from my sprint I kind of gave up. Now, I didn’t stop, but I slowed down and finished….at a slower time.

So, in not beating my time I actually “won.” Because I was right about not being able to beat my own time.

That is a ridiculous way to work out. I should want to beat my last time, every time.

In typical fashion, I analyzed my workout most of the way home. Until WHAM-O! It hit me.

This is how I live my life.

Have I always been this way? I honestly can’t recall. I do remember track and field in grade 8. I went to City’s for 100m sprint AND 1500m. I had already set new records for my school at our own track meet. The next year? Major anxiety about not being able to beat my last time. Interestingly enough, I managed to get a tailbone injury just days before our track meet and couldn’t compete. I didn’t LOSE though. (I’m shaking my head at myself right now and not giving myself a high five).

If I look at these examples and how my personal life, I have a few situations where I just want to pick up my ball and go home.

The most nagging one is a relationship that is making me absolutely crazy. I don’t like the rules of the game my friend is playing and I realize my values don’t mesh with theirs.

For me to win at this game, I would have to do things that I don’t want to do: Compete for attention, spend time with people I don’t want to, say things I don’t want to say and do things I don’t want to do. Basically, PRETEND.

Instead of changing the rules and the players, I just want to remove myself from the situation entirely. What this really means though, is leaving the rest of the team on the bench and leaving the gym.

In leaving the rest of my team on the bench, I miss out on their camaraderie, support, trust and that sense of belonging. I’m left with just me. It’s hard to win at a team sport with just one player.

I don’t have the answer, but I’m working on it.

Maybe I just have to play for a different team and see my former teammates from time to time, when we meet up for a game.

Maybe I just have to sub-in for the team once in awhile.

I honestly don’t know what my game plan should be.

I DO know that I am sick of quitting just because I hate the game or 1 player.

Maybe I just need an intermission.

No, I’m not naive. I know that I am starting to look my age, but that doesn’t matter to me as much as I’m realizing that I am finally growing into my own skin. I am always learning. It can be painful at times, but growing is painful. I don’t think it ever stops. At least not for me.

I had a wonderful birthday today. I spent it doing things I enjoy with people that I love and respect.

On my way home, I reflected on some of the biggest lessons I have learned, in my life, thus far. I think many of my lessons have come by way of trial and error. Many of them were taught to me years ago, but I was only really ready to learn them in the past couple of years.

I remember a couple of lessons learned at a very young age. When I was 3 or 4 I learned that it isn’t wise to put your open palm on a hot stove element. I can still smell the apricot ointment my mother lathered my hand with after that once in a life time lesson. I was 7 or 8 when my father taught me that scraping the food off my fork with my teeth was not ladylike. I thought he was being mean to me at the time. Now I am grateful for that lesson. Although important survival and social lessons, I have learned and implemented so many more equally important lessons into my life.

I think my priorities and realizations will change many times over the years, but at the moment, these are the 37 life lessons that I have learned and/or are working on.

My life is a work in progress.

Here is what I know, in no particular order:

37. I get what I focus and talk about. With complaints come more things to complain about. With appreciations come more things to appreciate. It’s the easiest equation.

36. Never take anything another person does personally. Ever.

35. I will never hang my vision of self esteem or self worth on how a man treats me. Ever.

34. It’s okay to love someone (friend, family member or lover) wholeheartedly, without  ripping out my heart out of my chest and handing it to them.

33. It’s okay for someone to love me wholeheartedly without ripping their heart out of their chest and handing it to me.

32. When someone gives me a compliment, it’s okay to look them in the eye and say “Thank you”. In fact, it’s downright rude not to accept their compliment as anything but.

31. A phone call is ALWAYS better than a text message, facebook message or email.

30. A face to face meeting is ALWAYS better than a phone call.

29. I always have the appropriate people and circumstances in my life at any given time. Even the difficult ones.

28. It’s okay to end friendships.

27. I am incredibly resilient. Even though I often dread change, I embrace it and excel.

26. Music is a life line to me. It’s one of the most important elements to my existence and well being.

25. It’s so much easier to take a moment to lift someone up than it is to focus energy on trying to bring them down.

24. People don’t often “hear” me. I often feel invisible. I take full responsibility for this.

23. Social media has not improved my life. At all.

22. I am less sentimental than I used to be. However, I’m sentimental about how sentimental I used to be.

21. Every one is a mirror for me to look into and see something in myself.

20. My boundaries have changed. I am asserting my boundaries. Not everyone will respect my boundaries. I need to release them from my life with love.

19. In judging others, I judge myself.

18. I am my own worst enemy. No one else could be harder on me than I am on myself.

17. Fights with loved ones are never about what we are actually fighting about. The incident that started the fight is simply the “hook” for a past hurt that needs healing.

16. I have a difficult time relating to people who make money or possessions a priority. People are far more valuable than any object or bank account balance.

15. I am very sensitive to other people’s energy. I do my best to be aware of how my actions and energy affects others.

14. I am “black & white”. My conviction comes from passion, but I could stand to learn to change my delivery.

13. Not everyone deserves my trust.

12. I don’t require a lot of recognition from outside sources. I have a pretty good self-esteem. This took a lot of work and I’m proud of where I am in this regard.

11. I tend to neglect the people I love the most.  They tend to make the most effort. This needs to change and become more balanced.

10. Saying “Thank you” is one of the best things you can say to someone. Asking them a question about themselves is also magical.

9. I tend to look for the best in everyone. I want everyone to have their best life.

8. Sleep is incredibly good for me.

7. I sleep well and with ease because I live my life in a way that makes me proud.

6. I put a lot of stock into what people say. I expect people to be congruent with their values and statements. When they are not, I am easily confused and disheartened.

5. Forgiveness is hard for me, but a necessary skill for me to perfect so that I can continue to grow.

4. Excuses are just another way of saying “no”. It’s important to be honest instead of making excuses. With myself and with others. I expect people to be honest with me.

3. I want fewer things in my life and more laughing and love.

2. I’m inflexible about the unimportant things and flexible about the important things. Often to my own detriment.

1. My life is beautiful as it is. My life was beautiful as it was. My life will be beautiful as it will be.

Most of my friends are childless by choice or circumstance. They are either single or independently committed to someone. When I say independently committed, I mean that they are in a monogamous, enriching, loving relationship while still maintaining their individuality and independence.

That would describe my current situation, too.

Many years ago I was in a relationship that had me dependently committed to someone. That is to say, that my self-worth was attached to his feelings about me, and the time he would commit to me. He would do whatever he wanted, and I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t for fear of a) him deciding not to do something and therefore I’d miss out on spending time with him or 2) by affirming my independence, I would lose him. Hahahahahahahahaha….he ended up losing me. I finally “got” it. He couldn’t care less what I did, in fact, my dependence on him was rather unattractive. I forgive myself by reminding myself that I was 23 years young at the time.

Anyway, that little backstory is to give my opinion on this matter a smidgen of credibility. I’ve been “there”. I do understand. Which is why when I see my friends, nearing their 40s, in similar situations it pisses me off to no end.

One of the friends that I love the most is the most incredible and memorable people that I, and many of my family and friends, have ever met. She’s the kind of person that people ask after, even not having seen her for YEARS. She is THAT amazing.

Yet, she spends most of her time tending to her 3 young children….waking them, dressing, feeding, driving, parenting, playing, washing, praising, disciplining, cherishing,  and putting them first. She barely makes time for herself, and when she does her partner sabotages her progress.

Now, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he does this subconsciously. But he does it.

She’ll join a running group. He’ll “forget” to come home on time so she can go running.

She’ll join weight watchers. He’ll get home late on the days she needs to go weigh in and get support.

She’ll plan a day with her friends. He’s late to relieve her of the parenting duties.

She’ll plan a trip. He’ll sabotage it by telling her who she can invite or by not giving her enough time to plan in properly.

His middle name is “Late”….and it may not be on purpose, but it serves a purpose. It keeps her right where she is, physically and emotionally.

The most recent situation that arose was when several of us were planning a girl’s trip away. He waited so long to give her the go-ahead, that although not impossible to organize, the last minute cost became prohibitive. In the meantime, we were all waiting around and made other plans. I call that “creative subconscious sabotage” on his part. Brilliant move! Not only did his wife not get to go on a well deserved and benchmark trip, he has alienated many of us from ever making big plans with her again.

To make up for it, he took her on a trip. What a sacrifice for someone who goes on $1000 weekends away, frequently.  Not only does he look like a hero, HE gets a trip too! What a great guy!

She gave up a lot to be a parent. He has given up nothing.

She misses out on a lot of fun things. He misses out on nothing.

She is unhappy with her body and appearance. He plays on 2 hockey teams, golfs and runs. And travels.

I had a talk with my girlfriend about this. Touchy subject, I know, but this affects me too. I literally cry for my friend when he is unfair to her. Let’s face it, my plans also suffer. My time with her is always interfered with. Regardless of that, I feel for my friend. However, I told her that I would no longer be chasing her around begging her to spend time with me. I would also not be waiting around or changing my plans for her family anymore. Not only do I suffer because of that, so does she. He wins. Again.

This behaviour is not isolated. I see it often.

Another one of my friends has a husband who travels the world like it’s his god-given right and his needs appear to come first. At least she gets away and has a balanced life. I’ve noticed that he can’t really let her have anything 100% though. He always seems to have his hand in any social thing she is part of. Again….I see it as a controlling situation. Subconscious or not. It sickens me.

Yes, we can blame the men. What I see from the outside are, in these instances, 2 very insecure, controlling and manipulative men. They recognize the incredible power these women would possess if they got outside the house once in awhile and met other people while pursuing their interests.

My god, what would happen if their wives actually grew into themselves and remembered who they were before marriage and children? I guarantee these men have considered this on some level and the thought of losing control of their wives time and self esteem dictates their own very bad behavior.

I also blame the women, though. You teach people how to treat you. By putting up with this crap and by not providing consequences, their partner’s behavior is condoned and therefore it continues.

It’s really lose/lose.

Let’s face it though, when my friend has plans to go to weight watchers and her hubby is late, she can’t just leave the kids and go to her meeting. AND HE KNOWS THIS.

It’s the perfect arena for controlling, manipulative behavior. It also keeps her physically unhealthy and in turn sabotages her self-esteem.

I don’t think these men are loving their wives. Love is not just a word or a sentence. Love is wanting your partner, family member, child, or friend to be the best, most whole person they can be. Love is trusting that you will be enough for them when they feel like they, themselves, are enough. Love is letting those you care about discover their needs and fulfill them. Love is freedom from fear. Love is not controlling someone so that they have to stay with you.

Love is not sabotaging someones growth for fear that they will get too big for you and leave you.

That is fear. That is all it is.

Fear keeps people in the same place they are. Fear eliminates the possibility of full freedom.

Fear eliminates the opportunity to really, really love.

Fear makes people run.

Banish that fear, gentlemen.

I guarantee that if you honor the mother of your children, you will unleash a creature so beautiful that there will be more than enough love for the entire family. And she will stay.

Because she can breathe.

I think it’s easy to blame others when things don’t go our way. It’s easy to make a list of what you don’t like about the other person or the situation. It pushes the accountability away from ourselves and projects it onto others. Piece of cake!

But….it doesn’t taste good. After awhile, that “cake” sits in our gut and rots, reminding us that we might have missed an important ingredient: Our own contribution.

Lately, I’ve had a major stomach ache. Something just hasn’t been sitting right. I’m uncomfortable.

I’m uncomfortable because something has to change. And change sometimes hurts.

I have more than a few friendships that I’ve been looking at. I mean, REALLY looking at.

Lately I’ve been feeling overlooked and used. Overlooked in the practical sense, but also by not being heard. Used in the literal sense and also by being used as amusement and to fill up the vessels of insecurities that some of my friends have. I’m not insecure, but I don’t have enough confidence to give away, either.

I’ve been sitting back and watching some pretty bad behavior.

People acting like children at my expense.

Or, so I thought.

I realize it is at their own expense.

You see, when we misbehave or act out of alignment, others notice.  Because many of my relationships have 2 sides; real life and/or internet friendships, my senses have heightened. Because I can’t be in the presence of some of the people I care about, I have to rely on my interpretation of what they say and do online. And I have to say, I’m kind of disappointed in what I’ve read and seen lately.

It’s made me think about the kind of relationships I want to have. And I realized that I want authentic, honest, and mutually respectful relationships. Enough with the cryptic, demanding or controlling behavior. Enough with the guessing games. Enough with the bullshit. I don’t read minds and I don’t play games. If you have something to say to me, say it. If you can’t grow up and share your feelings in a mature way, it’s pretty much settled for me.

In real life, I wouldn’t put up with a fraction of what I have put up with online. I do think that many people opt for a strictly online friendship because they can’t get real. Hiding behind a computer is still hiding. It doesn’t, however, cover up one’s blatant insecurities. And in real life, you can communicate honestly with words, body language and eye contact. It’s hard to be deceived, unless one wants to be.  Admittedly, I have wanted to believe something different about certain people who, in the end, have disappointed me. In real life and online.

So, I’ve said what I need to say to a few people. And they heard what they wanted to hear. I realize that my needs and requests will mostly go ignored. I’ve heard plenty of excuses about why they do and say the things they do, and I’m a no excuse kinda gal. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I do expect people to validate my concerns and not make excuses. I have noticed, in my life and as of late, that when I tell people what I need from them, or share my insecurities, I end up comforting them instead of being certain we’ve met on the same emotional and mature level. It’s very disappointing. But, what can you do?

I put value on my relationships. Mostly because I care, and also because at the point of me being invested I’ve shared confidences with people. My friends are my keepers.

Until they are not.

One of my flaws is that I am stubborn and once I’ve made up my mind about someone, it takes a lot for me to change my mind. I’m working on that, but in the meantime I have to honor myself and ask of others what I expect. I cannot go on placating to others needs if they blatantly ignore my very basic requests.

A good friend of mine sent me an email and in it she said “…It’s your belief in others. That you give them the chance to step up and play their A game, even if they don’t, the fact that you still have faith in others to do so, is something to celebrate”. I expect a lot from people. I expect a lot from myself. If I can bring my A game, I don’t understand why others are too lazy or scared to bring theirs.

I want people to change. I want them to be and act differently. It’s because I can see how much brighter they would shine and how much deeper our friendships could be.

Much like myself, I don’t think they’re capable. People are going to do what they want or are programmed to do.

I’ve pulled out my owner’s manual and realized that I was programmed to put myself 2nd.

My owner’s manual also tells me how to rewire my programming. I’m currently on the chapter called

“You are worth the weight of your feelings and needs. Don’t settle for anything less.“

::pulls the plug::

Lately I’ve been focusing my energy on some really amazing stuff.

My heart’s dreams.

Gone are the days of me talking myself out of doing what I really want to do. I’ve banished all negative thoughts about why I can’t do something.

I have decided that the things I want to accomplish are incredibly important. Some of the things I am working on are for others – and when it comes to that, there is a voice inside me that always trumps the negative. My soul doesn’t give me a choice.

I’ve had people ask me how I’ll make money doing what I am doing for others.  I honestly  hadn’t thought about the money.

For that reason, I KNOW I’m doing the right thing(s).

I’ve already been paid, so to speak, by the feedback I’ve been getting from people that I’m reaching out to. Yes, I realize that won’t buy me food or pay my mortgage, but feeling the accomplishment of touching someone’s heart, soul and mind enables me to go and do the job I get paid for, with extra enthusiasm. In turn, I’ll make more money at my profession, create more freedom and be able to pour myself into my projects of purpose.

It’s totally worth it.

I have realized that the list of things I’m inspired to do is getting longer and longer. The people required to accomplish this list are appearing as I need them. It’s quite amazing, actually.

Unlike a list of things I have to do, as this list grows I grow more excited, have more energy and want to add more to it.

Every night when I go to bed, I cannot wait until tomorrow.

I go to bed each night and wake up each and every morning

Inspired.

“Why are we planning what we are going to do tomorrow, when our life is happening right now?” ~ My husband

Have we really no imagination when it comes to getting to know one another?

I’ve been on twitter for 2.5 years and have never publicly announced what I do for a living, yet I have made many friends and have had great conversations with many strangers who know nothing about my professional occupation.

Imagine that.

So, then, how important is it REALLY to know what someone does for a living? It obviously doesn’t define who they are. At least you’d hope.

Yes, many of us live our jobs. We spend a great deal of time at them and without them we may not be able to enjoy the lifestyles that we do, but I’m seriously becoming less interested in what people do than in who they are and moves them.

I’ve often been guilty of asking someone what they do for a living when meeting someone new, because I’ve been conditioned to be lazy. I’ve been trying lately to dig into what people love to do with their time, who they are doing it with, and why.

It’s of further curiosity to me to have noticed that most people do more than one thing as a professional outlet. People really are bigger and better than how they spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (or more).

When I am asked what I do, in a networking setting, I am always reluctant to say “I do <this> and I also do <this> AND I also do <this>” because I had a belief that if I told people that I had several interests or projects on the go, they wouldn’t take me seriously.

On the flip side, I never judged people for having more than one stream of income or passionate job or hobby.

Seems I am always my own worst critic.

That said, I am continuing to practice the art of asking people who they are, where they came from, what and who they love and what inspires the passion in their hearts.

It makes for far more interesting conversation….

I decided to chat the guy up. His name was Alvin. He was so pleasant to me, even after being merely ignored by everyone else that he had served before me.

I asked if he’d grown up here – he looked familiar, actually – “No” he said “I’m from the Philippines”

“How long have you been in Canada, Alvin?”, I asked.

“2 and a half years now. I applied to move to Australia, Canada and the U.S. Canada was the first country to accept me.”

He went on to tell me how safe he felt here, and that he appreciated that if he did get in trouble, he could call 9-1-1 and someone would help him. He said he was glad he didn’t live in the middle east – It wasn’t safe there.

I learned that his wife and children were still in the Philippines.

It occurred to me that he wouldn’t be tucking his children in tonight, or kissing his wife before rolling over and going to sleep. He must be lonely. His family must miss him terribly. They have each other, at least. He has no one that he can hug tenderly at night.

He moved to Canada to create a better life for his family. It’s ironic that foreigners have to leave their families in order to improve their lives.

I thanked him for his time and went to my car. I got in and put my seatbelt on. I had to take several deep breaths to prevent me from crying. I felt so damn sad in that moment. Then I got mad.

I’m mad that so many of the people I know bitch about the little things in their lives. They go home and complain to their spouse or their parents. They go and take their bad mood out on their innocent children. At least they can hug their children and say “I’m sorry”. At least they can hug their spouse and say “I love you.”

Alvin can’t do that right now. One day, if he’s lucky. But not now. And still he smiles and doesn’t complain.

It also brings me back to the current situation in Japan. With that frightening and heartbreaking disaster occurring there, we have no basis for complaining that our PVR didn’t tape our favorite show, or that the pizza delivery guy forgot to give us napkins. We waste food, we waste time, we waste away. It’s so sad that so many of us waste our lives being ungrateful and unmotivated.

I’m going to go talk to Alvin more often. I think he has a lot of valuable things to share with and teach me.

He would play it over, and over, and over, and over, and over again…..the song would end and he’d gingerly pick up the needle and place it at the beginning of the song.

A few years ago, I made him a CD. On it I burned WOL as many times as it would fit. It was pretty funny. He told me that he put it in his glove box and when he needed a pick me up, he’d put it in his CD player.

As many times as I have heard this song in my life, I always smile when I hear it. It reminds me of that sweet little boy who turned into an amazing man.

Walk of Life by Dire Straits