Merry Grinchmas

I have been trying to find the Christmas spirit for the past few weeks. Low and behold, I haven't been able to locate it...or if I do, it is only in brief and fleeting moments.

Surprisingly, I am NOT trying to be difficult. Hard to believe, I know.

I haven't been excited about Christmas, for several years now. In fact, the very THOUGHT of Christmas simply exhausts me. I do think I have good reason, though.

I promise this won't be a complaint blog, rather just an explanation of how I currently view Christmas, and how I would actually like to see Christmas.

First of all, I am not a Christian. I believe that there is a higher, collective, power that creates MY reality. I also do not criticize or judge others for being Christian as that is their choice.

I am baffled, however, that so many people who are not Christian, and even those that are, "buy" into this very commercial holiday. Pun intended.

It has brought my level of irritation to an all time high this year.

I remember when I was small, and my mom and I didn't have a lot of extra money. We weren't destitute. My mom had a mortgage and owned a car, and we ate 3 square meals a day. We just didn't have a lot of extras.

My mom would excitedly wake me up Christmas morning because she usually had 1 great gift that she had purchased for me and couldn't wait for me to see it. I enjoyed Christmas. I wasn't spoiled at all. I got several nice things from both my mom and dad ( I even got 2 Christmases because my parents were divorced) and remember most everything they've ever given me. They took special care in choosing gifts for me. And I was always surprised.

As my brother and I got older, our blended family became bigger as children ( nieces and nephews to us) were born and our excitement for sharing Christmas with them was always high. Then one year, he called me and suggested that instead of exchanging gifts, we could just buy ourselves something nice. I thought that was a great idea. We have done that ever since. I suspect that, much like me, my brother doesn't bother to buy himself something for Christmas.

As our niece and nephew got older, we noticed that we were being TOLD what to give them for Christmas. In the spirit of generosity, it isn't often kind to tell people what to buy you or do for you on a special occasion. My niece/nephews' parents do that, and have for years. So, you can imagine how uninspiring it is to hand over an envelope of money to a child because that is what you were TOLD to give them.

I love being generous. I love buying gifts or doing things for people I love. I love doing it because I want to, not because it's expected. And that is unfortunately, what Christmas had turned into for me.

The members of our family, and I suspect society as a whole, has become used to instant gratification. If we want something, we go buy it. NOW. That makes it virtually impossible to purchase something that people don't have or haven't thought of. As a result, about 4 years ago, my brother and I decided it would be way more fulfilling to help a family in need at Christmas. My entire family was on board. Not only was it less stressful, it was really fulfilling. And I mean REALLY.

We would get some information about the family in need; the kids ages and info on the parent (usually a single parent). The kids would ask for what they wanted, as would the parent. It is interesting to note that the kids most often wrote "this" OR "that" and the parent(s) usually asked for nothing. One parent asked for some baking utensils so she could bake with her kids.

We would zip around the stores, buying EVERYTHING on the lists, and then some, knowing that our gifts would be appreciated. ( We knew this, because we would ALWAYS get a thank you card from the families. They would write it to us, through the Boys and Girls Club, because we were anonymous donors). I can't remember the last time I got a Thank You card from someone for a gift or deed I have done, aside from these anonymous people.

We tried to get a family to spoil this year, but the program had ended and we were out of resources. My dad mentioned how nice it would be to have gifts under the tree this year and we all agreed. It sounded like a picture-perfect Christmas, if only in theory. And in my dad's defense, his heart is in the right place, as always.

Of course the children would get gifts, as always, and the couples in our family would buy for one other couple. What a great idea! I was excited.

I had an idea and asked my dad to do recon to see if my step-sister had what I had in mind. He said he would ask her. Strike one.

Then I asked what the niece and nephew would like for Christmas. He said "We were told to give them money". Strike two.

Then I got an email from my step-sister telling me what they needed. Ball.

My brother texted me and said "Dad is just asking his wife if she wants what I had in mind for their gift" Strike three.

I'm OUT.

If Christmas has become a game of here's a list of what I WANT, and feelings of obligation to comply, I'm not doing Christmas anymore.

Two years ago, I was on a beach in Thailand and spend Christmas day alone. It was one of the best Christmases I have EVER had. There was no stress. And that year, when I called home, my best friend had given birth to her third son, my step-sister had given birth to my niece, and the people we were vacationing with announced that they were expecting. You can't buy that.

So, from now on, when someone asks me what I want for Christmas, Birthday or any other Hallmark holiday, I will tell them that if they feel like they MUST do something for me, I would graciously accept a card or letter telling me why they are happy to be in my life, or about a dream they have for their life, or a special memory. I want things that MEAN something.

I want to remember gifts and deeds.

If someone took the time to sit down, with a pen and paper, and write something meaningful to me, that would mean more to me than any turtleneck, book or CD. To me, that is the most loving thing someone could do for me.

That is all I want for Christmas.