Order in the Court!

I've been meaning to blog about this subject for over a week, but really needed time to reflect before doing so.

It's about judgement. And the energy around it.

What brought this to the surface for me were 2 events, within 3 days. I was exposed to some pretty ugly energy, projected out of 2 different people, about people they hardly know.

Now, before I continue, I am admittedly a judgmental person. However, I think it is safe to say that I am more judgmental about people's actions, more-so than who they actually are. I really try to see where they are coming from before coming unglued about what they have done or said. That's not to say that I won't remove myself from the presence of people who are simply not good for me. I do always try to look for the best in people and really hope that I can build them up, whenever possible. I actually love myself more, and see my own beauty when I recognize it in someone else, and act on it.

On that note, I think that unfortunately, in these very specific cases that I was exposed to, the people holding the judgement and spreading the venom probably did so because they too saw something in another that they didn't like about themselves.

The first instance was at a well attended function, with many people who knew one another and many strangers. A woman I don't know very well was introduced to someone who I don't believe she knew prior. When I casually introduced them, the one woman muttered something incredibly derogatory about the other woman. I was floored. Absolutely.

First of all, I am a virtual stranger to the person making the comment. So, one would think that she had no knowledge of my connection to this person on the end of the insult. She could have been my sister, my best friend, my cousin. Now, she was none of those things, but I do consider her a friend. But that's not the only reason I was so offended. I was offended because the insult was waiting on the tip of the one woman's tongue....just looking for a victim. I think that no matter who she was introduced to, she would have had something just as rude to say about them. Then she made an offhand comment about me, which I brushed off, mostly because I didn't understand it, but also because I figured that this person didn't have much respect for me or others, so how valid is their opinion of me, really?

I made some decisions right then and there about who I would expose myself to, and boundaries about whose "channels" I would tune into.

I got to test out those boundaries 2 days later.

I was spending time with some incredibly good friends, a couple of whom I have travelled half way around the world with to vacation. So, you can assume we know each other quite well. My one girlfriend, after consuming some beverages of the alcoholic persuasion, started talking very loudly about a person we all have in common and rely on for some business ventures. This person and I are acquaintances and I hope to become friends with her. She is beautiful, kind, smart and talented. Someone I want to be around and learn from. My girlfriend HATES her. LOATHES her. DESPISES her. She feels this way because of one thing that the other woman may have done. And not to my friend. To no one, in fact. My girlfriend just doesn't agree with the suspected behaviour and can't move past it. Now, I got to hear all about it prior to meeting this lovely woman, and luckily I try to form my own opinion of people after spending time with them. My opinion of this woman is very high. She's wonderful, and many people would agree. I just kept my mouth shut because I was afraid that my defense of this other woman would sacrifice my friendship with my girlfriend. She really wanted all of us to agree that the other woman was a demon. Yet, when I looked at my girlfriend spewing venom about someone who is practically a stranger, the only demon I saw was my friend. I thought her head might spin around and pea soup would projectile out of her mouth. No kidding.

She didn't stop there. She also went on to criticize and bitch about someone else who she had only met one time, for 5 minutes. I sat there, feeling like my skin was full of barbs and needles and felt like I had to move out of the way of this incredible anger. I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. I told my friend that we were all sick of hearing this ( this topic of conversation arises everytime we are together) and that if she had a problem with this man, she should tell HIM. Throughout the conversation, my friend had something to say about absolutely everyone that came up in conversation. And if they were compliments, they were backhanded ones. I looked at her and said "That is some rolodex you have in your head. I'm afraid to know what you say about me when I'm not around". She didn't answer, mostly because she wasn't in listening mode. I think her only channel is the "me" channel. Sad to say, I avoided her for the rest of the weekend, and won't be spending much time with her in the future. I can see that she is insecure and that this is where the hate comes from. I will love her from a distance, but my energy field can't handle that constant negativity.

After this experience I really reflected on the times I have been the most judgmental. I am not perfect. I've made mistakes and I am sure I will continue to, but I hope to do so with a quick realization of why and how I can avoid it in the future. I've decided that I don't want to engage in gossip or drama, if at all possible. It isn't always possible to avoid drama ( especially because we are humans and there is a biological payback for it, if we don't catch it early ) but is it possible to avoid gossip.

I think ( and here's a judgement ) that people that verbally assault others behind their backs are afraid/threatened and don't like themselves (or something about themselves) very much. Disliking someone may also be a common thread or a way to make a connection with someone, (Women do this all the time) which is why women gossip. Now, we all gossip; we all make judgements and sometimes share them. Other times we keep them to ourselves. But I think that the judgements we make about others speak volumes about ourselves.

Isn't it time we kinder to ourselves? Therefore, kinder to others.

I sure as hell am going to try.

Mirrors

Image credit : Jessica Walker

I spent the most exhilarating day on the ski hill today. Aside from the fresh, crisp mountain air, excellent conditions and almost perfect weather, my day was made even better because I spent it with a friend.

We all have acquaintances, and many people have lots of friends. I find it interesting that I have many acquaintances and only a few true friends.

The word "friend" is thrown around a lot, kind of like the word "love". We all are guilty of loving a band, loving a color, loving that person.....but do we really love that person or inanimate object? It's the same for the word "friend". It's so much easier to say "My friend, Julie....." than it is to say "My acquaintance, Julie", but what comes to mind when you use the word friend?

To me, a true friend of mine is someone who I can be absolutely, 100% real with. Those people are so hard to find. I'm very, very lucky to have about as many friends as I have fingers. Not that I don't want any more friends, but I really cherish the ones that I already have.

The friend I spent today with is the perfect example of people I want to surround myself with. We have an excellent chemistry. One that cannot be manufactured. We usually talk from the moment we get within sight of one another and don't stop until we say goodbye, but when we are quiet it's comfortable. We are both confident in ourselves and each other's company, that we don't have to fill every moment with incessant babble ( not that we don't anyway!) I may have as many true friends as I do fingers, but I have even less than that with whom I can bare my soul. I am very proud and want to be independent, manage my feelings, and be a big person all of the time. My few true friends make it easy to be vulnerable, and admit when I have ugly feelings or insecurities. That is because they understand me and where I am coming from. They also are not afraid to speak up when they feel I need a good talking to. They listen to, and most of all, hear what I have to say. So often, what needs to be heard is not even spoken. To hear the message is the secret language of friends.

My dearest friends are mirrors. They reflect back all of the things I like and dislike about myself. They reflect back to me when I am being ridiculous and help me to laugh at myself. They point out the blemishes and offer help on how to heal those sores. They show me that tears are okay, and cry with me. And most of all, they reflect all of the good qualities I have within myself, while amplifying all the good in themselves....helping me strive to be a more beautiful person.

A true friend, like a mirror, is non judgmental.....reflecting only the truth back at us. However, they often do it by making us take a really long look at ourselves, and by removing the filter that we so often place between ourselves and our own reflections. They also love us when we don't always like what we see when we look at ourselves.

So, tonight as I enjoy how alive my body feels today from the fresh air and exercise, I will also sit back and appreciate the wonderful friends I have in my life.

.....My mirrors.

Fresh Snow

I do enjoy a clean page to write on.

It`s naive to think that a new year absolves you of all your past problems, but new years bring clean slates. Although there is that old saying "Where ever you go, there you are",there is a good argument to the fresh beginning of a new year.

For me, the concept of "a year" has always looked and felt like a physical journey for me. It`s challenging to explain.

January comes and things feel clear and new, what with having nearly a month off, by choice. I am goal oriented, and although I never make new years resolutions ( mostly because I am self-sabotaging, but mostly because I like to do things my way and in my time), I do feel a freshness about the new year to come.

January and February feel, to me, like a I am the top of.....whatever. Maybe the top of a ski hill, looking down at fresh powder that no one has spoiled yet. It is actually a physical feeling in my body and mind.

March and April feel "vanilla" to me...I'm into the swing of things, anxiously awaiting summer. I feel grounded.

May, June and July is where I feel the most balanced. For obvious reasons ( to me) this is because my astrological sign is most comfortable around this time of year. I feel like I am on a balance beam, right in the middle

August is pure relaxation for me. Except when I am rushing to enjoy the weather...trying to pack in all the iPod, book, tanning lotion, bikini time all at once. Although relaxed, I feel like I might miss out on something.

September is really the beginning of my business year. It's new sweaters and a refreshed attitude about business and it smells good; Like fresh apple pie and cinnamon.

October, November, and December always feel low for me. Not in attitude, just physically. I feel like I am at the bottom of a ski hill, waiting for the chairlift to come and get me, and take me back to the top of that exciting black diamond run I call January.

Have a pleasant year, everyone.

Hallmark Holidays

I'd be lying if I said that this time of year doesn't offer some reflection time for me. It's impossible not to get into my own head, what with my cell phone ( the lifeline of my business) being eerily, yet seasonably, quiet and with the snow and cold keeping me indoors.

I do want to thank you all for checking back in here from time to time to read what I have to say. I've been wanting to feel bad about my writing lately because, let's face it...I'm a tortured Gemini, I like to pick on myself and always want to be better. In fact, I considered closing my blog down all together. Unsolicited comments from friends have encouraged me to keep writing. I suppose it's the only way I will get better. So, for all of you reading, please understand that I am open to constructive criticism. I welcome it. But, be forewarned, I already know I overuse the comma, so that can't count. Again, my heartfelt thanks to those who give a shit about what I have to say. It means a lot, being someone who has several basic needs; the most important one of being heard.

I think I may come across as being really negative about, what I call, "Hallmark Holidays". I'm really not, you know. I just get a bit irritated when stores and advertising for any particular holiday begin months in advance of the actual holiday, confirming that they really are just commercial events. Most are commercial events feeding off society's need to "feel" something and "do" something.

I got around to really thinking about where I stand this year on Christmas, and you can read about my position in my preceding post. If I didn't have to look at Christmas trees and ornaments in October/November or hear Christmas music at the mall so far in advance, I just might be able to get into it. Okay, that's a lie. A bald-faced lie.

It got me wondering....I am sure that Christmas served/serves/will serve a purpose for years. But then I realized that our society is really "event" driven. We have holidays to celebrate, TV premieres to watch, vacations to go on. All for entertainment purposes. I think we are really one of the only species that do anything for entertainment purposes. We are fortunate in that, but also unfortunate.

Which brings me to my point. These "Hallmark Holidays" we "buy" into are really for entertainment purposes. Something to look forward to. Landmarks. Deadlines. In some cases, obligations. And that is why I don't necessarily buy in.

I am pretty sure that the meaning of Christmas is not to bitch and complain about your family behind their backs before they arrive at your house for dinner, or after they've left. If you don't like your family, don't spend time with them.

I don't think the meaning of Valentine's day is for your man to "prove" to you how much he loves you by presenting you a hideous diamond pendant that he was brainwashed into buying you through commercials that began on December 26th. And ladies, we need to give our men a serious break here. Do you realize how difficult it is for men to be open and loving as it is, without us putting undue pressure on them? I know that if I receive flowers on Valentine's day, it sure means a million times less than receiving them on any given Tuesday, out of the blue. How about giving our men some latitude to be creative on their own. I somehow suspect that Valentine's day was created by a woman who was insecure in her position with her man and therefore found a way to "force" him to prove it to her.

Although New Year's isn't necessarily commercially driven, it does put undue expectations on people. They feel they need to set out "resolutions" to be different, be better. Again, it seems this falls into the "entertainment" category of human existence. Want to be different? Do it now. The diet doesn't start tomorrow if you're serious about it.

You may be thinking "Oh, she's jilted and jaded". Think what you will, but I ask you to think about your intention when participating in these commercially based holidays.

Some are great fun, I admit...especially St. Patrick's day. I mean, who doesn't want an excuse to drink green beer and sing Irish songs on a Wednesday in March?

All I am considering is the reason why we participate in these holidays of expectation.

I'd rather approach holidays or non-holidays with intention, personally. Do something for, or better yet-with, the people I care for.

I think these holidays and things we look forward to often take us out of our reality and out of being present.

Just do me a favor this year and think about it.

Maybe do the same things, but perhaps create your own "Non-hallmark holidays". Do things because you want to, not because it is expected.

I guarantee the results will astound you.

Merry Grinchmas

I have been trying to find the Christmas spirit for the past few weeks. Low and behold, I haven't been able to locate it...or if I do, it is only in brief and fleeting moments.

Surprisingly, I am NOT trying to be difficult. Hard to believe, I know.

I haven't been excited about Christmas, for several years now. In fact, the very THOUGHT of Christmas simply exhausts me. I do think I have good reason, though.

I promise this won't be a complaint blog, rather just an explanation of how I currently view Christmas, and how I would actually like to see Christmas.

First of all, I am not a Christian. I believe that there is a higher, collective, power that creates MY reality. I also do not criticize or judge others for being Christian as that is their choice.

I am baffled, however, that so many people who are not Christian, and even those that are, "buy" into this very commercial holiday. Pun intended.

It has brought my level of irritation to an all time high this year.

I remember when I was small, and my mom and I didn't have a lot of extra money. We weren't destitute. My mom had a mortgage and owned a car, and we ate 3 square meals a day. We just didn't have a lot of extras.

My mom would excitedly wake me up Christmas morning because she usually had 1 great gift that she had purchased for me and couldn't wait for me to see it. I enjoyed Christmas. I wasn't spoiled at all. I got several nice things from both my mom and dad ( I even got 2 Christmases because my parents were divorced) and remember most everything they've ever given me. They took special care in choosing gifts for me. And I was always surprised.

As my brother and I got older, our blended family became bigger as children ( nieces and nephews to us) were born and our excitement for sharing Christmas with them was always high. Then one year, he called me and suggested that instead of exchanging gifts, we could just buy ourselves something nice. I thought that was a great idea. We have done that ever since. I suspect that, much like me, my brother doesn't bother to buy himself something for Christmas.

As our niece and nephew got older, we noticed that we were being TOLD what to give them for Christmas. In the spirit of generosity, it isn't often kind to tell people what to buy you or do for you on a special occasion. My niece/nephews' parents do that, and have for years. So, you can imagine how uninspiring it is to hand over an envelope of money to a child because that is what you were TOLD to give them.

I love being generous. I love buying gifts or doing things for people I love. I love doing it because I want to, not because it's expected. And that is unfortunately, what Christmas had turned into for me.

The members of our family, and I suspect society as a whole, has become used to instant gratification. If we want something, we go buy it. NOW. That makes it virtually impossible to purchase something that people don't have or haven't thought of. As a result, about 4 years ago, my brother and I decided it would be way more fulfilling to help a family in need at Christmas. My entire family was on board. Not only was it less stressful, it was really fulfilling. And I mean REALLY.

We would get some information about the family in need; the kids ages and info on the parent (usually a single parent). The kids would ask for what they wanted, as would the parent. It is interesting to note that the kids most often wrote "this" OR "that" and the parent(s) usually asked for nothing. One parent asked for some baking utensils so she could bake with her kids.

We would zip around the stores, buying EVERYTHING on the lists, and then some, knowing that our gifts would be appreciated. ( We knew this, because we would ALWAYS get a thank you card from the families. They would write it to us, through the Boys and Girls Club, because we were anonymous donors). I can't remember the last time I got a Thank You card from someone for a gift or deed I have done, aside from these anonymous people.

We tried to get a family to spoil this year, but the program had ended and we were out of resources. My dad mentioned how nice it would be to have gifts under the tree this year and we all agreed. It sounded like a picture-perfect Christmas, if only in theory. And in my dad's defense, his heart is in the right place, as always.

Of course the children would get gifts, as always, and the couples in our family would buy for one other couple. What a great idea! I was excited.

I had an idea and asked my dad to do recon to see if my step-sister had what I had in mind. He said he would ask her. Strike one.

Then I asked what the niece and nephew would like for Christmas. He said "We were told to give them money". Strike two.

Then I got an email from my step-sister telling me what they needed. Ball.

My brother texted me and said "Dad is just asking his wife if she wants what I had in mind for their gift" Strike three.

I'm OUT.

If Christmas has become a game of here's a list of what I WANT, and feelings of obligation to comply, I'm not doing Christmas anymore.

Two years ago, I was on a beach in Thailand and spend Christmas day alone. It was one of the best Christmases I have EVER had. There was no stress. And that year, when I called home, my best friend had given birth to her third son, my step-sister had given birth to my niece, and the people we were vacationing with announced that they were expecting. You can't buy that.

So, from now on, when someone asks me what I want for Christmas, Birthday or any other Hallmark holiday, I will tell them that if they feel like they MUST do something for me, I would graciously accept a card or letter telling me why they are happy to be in my life, or about a dream they have for their life, or a special memory. I want things that MEAN something.

I want to remember gifts and deeds.

If someone took the time to sit down, with a pen and paper, and write something meaningful to me, that would mean more to me than any turtleneck, book or CD. To me, that is the most loving thing someone could do for me.

That is all I want for Christmas.